A year ago I found an abandoned, mangy, flea covered street rat/dog running down US1 during rush hour. I coaxed the mutt into my arms and took it home. Due to various health code violations the dog was not allowed inside my home. I bathed it, fed it, gave it water and left it in my courtyard, expecting it to run away within minutes. Four days later she was living in my house, snuggling in my bed, and being an all-around angel girl from heaven. I love my dog. Her name is Steve E. Streetz. The “E” stands for Eazy. She goes by Stevie but mostly I call her Mrs. Potatoman Angel Girl because she’s from heaven and she is the most beautiful little pup pup. In truth, she’s actually kind of horrible looking. She’s lanky, bony, with big ears and a distended vagina due to years of wear-and-tear. But it doesn’t matter, because I love her more than anything in the world. Her terrible breath and strange nighttime wheezing make me want to squeeze her until she can’t wheeze anymore.
As such, I wanted to get her something special to celebrate her one year anniversary of no longer being a street rat whore dog. Naturally I wanted to get her a sweet angel costume to match her true nature. Like any good dog mommy I logged into Etsy.com and began my search for the perfect costume for my little Stevie.
There are so many awful pet costumes on Etsy that I couldn’t even focus on buying a hand crocheted angel costume for sweet Steve. Instead, I spent an hour scouring all of Etsy’s pet costume stores compiling the saddest looking dogs photographed by the saddest people. This is some Sarah McLachlan in the arms of an angel shit right here:
This is some racist shit right here.
This is a great costume for the dog battling a serious addiction. Monkey on its back…get it? Ugh, sorry I’ve been looking at pet costumes for a really long time.
The look of “fuck you bro” in this cat’s hate-filled eyes is palpable.
This is a Lady Gaga themed ferret lion costume, no?
This is Robert Downey Jr. in Restoration themed, no?
Instagram doesn’t need you to dress up your hamster as Captain America.
“What’s happening to meeeeeeeeeeeee?!!!!!!!”
Instagram doesn’t need your chinchilla dressed up like a ladybug, either. Stick to posting shitty pictures of cheesecake pancakes at IHOP.
Haha that dog on the left literally looks like he’s been crying for hours.
And this dog looks like it’s about to take a little pebble shit on that woman’s Natuzzi sofa bed.
“MOM, you are EMBARRASSING me.”
Tis nobler to be a dead ferret in a shitty yarn lion outfit than a live ferret in a shitty yarn lion outfit.
Pictured: RuPaul’s Drag Race levels of shade throwing. Bravo.
“Fuck my life. Seriously, just fuck my life.”
Etsy, you never fail to deliver overpriced salt shakers and awkward pet photos. Thank you for your endless service and Happy Halloween.