“You never told me you were allergic to cocktail sauce.”
A few months ago I was waiting to pick up my Plan B value pack in the pharmacy when I noticed the cover story on a popular women’s magazine. In pink script splashed across a nearly unrecognizable photo of Kim Kardashian was the headline: “Give Your Man the Sex He Deserves!” What kind of sex does my man deserve? And what kind of sex have I been giving him all this time? I opened the magazine and quickly realized that not only was I terrible in bed but I also have shitty skin, terrible taste in clothes, and my highlights are so not summer ready! Major bummer. I grabbed my 100 pack of Plan B and ran home as fast as I could. After swallowing my pills and throwing myself down a flight of stairs I opened the computer and began looking for more sex tips. After all, my man works hard and he deserves mind-blowing sex and a martini when he gets home from work! For weeks I tried every trick I could but nothing seemed to be working. My man still wasn’t getting the sex he deserved. Then I realized something. I didn’t need those silly magazines to tell me how to make love to my man. I just need to look inside myself and come up with my own sexy ideas. Take a look below at my favorite sex tips. I added my own tweaks to these tried and true methods to make sure your man finally gets the sex he wants and deserves!
1. Magazine tip: Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.
Sloane Steel Suggestion: For years women have been taught that you should be gentle with a man’s penis. FALSE! There’s nothing hotter to a guy than a woman hitting his penis as hard as possible. Here’s a sexy tip for the next time you and your man are together: have him take off his pants and squat down real low over a game of Rock’em Sock’em Robots. Make sure his penis and testicles are in the middle of the ring between the Red Rocker and the Blue Bomber. Ready? Set! Go! Begin punching the shit out of his penis with the robot arms. It’ll be exciting to see who’s head pops off first!
Always bet on Red.
2. Magazine tip: Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body).
Sloane Steel Suggestion: Why imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body when you can just do it! Just push it in! You’re going to want to tie your man up to your bed with your sexiest silk scarves making sure he can’t wriggle free. Then you take his penis and begin to jam it as hard as you can into his body. Those screams mean you’re doing a great job. Keep going! When his penis begins to look like a vagina you know you’re doing it right. So sexy!
I never realized how much Baby Sinclair looks like the head of a penis.
3. Go hot and cold. During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.
Sloane Steel Suggestion: Do you feel like you’re about to faint? Good job! Take in one more gulp of air and burp so hard that you throw up on his dick! Vomiting on your man’s scrotum shows that you’ll go the extra mile for him.
Take a step back, wink and say to him, “how’s that for deep throat?”
4. Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowza!
Sloane Steel Suggestion: In this position your man has a great view of your ass, in fact, if you’re doing this right your bottom will be inches from his face. As a sexy surprise I will get fake beard hair and adhesive and stick it around my butthole before the action starts and let out a large fart. The gas will lift the beard hair up and into your man’s face, tickling his nose. You’ll be tickling his feet and his face with your sexy moves! Great job!
I just looked for a cartoon fart GIF for 15 minutes and of course the best one I find is Japanese. Fucking Japanese.
5. Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple,” and ask your man to lick it off.
Sloane Steel Suggestion: All out of Ragu with extra meat…not to worry! There are plenty of things around your kitchen that you can apply to your nipples to entice your man. Mayonnaise, Vienna sausage water, or wet cat food would all be delicious on your nips. Bonus tip: Hormel chili with beans makes a great substitute for tomato sauce. For added fun melt some Velveeta, pour it inside your vagina and ask your man to eat you like the bowl of chili con queso that you are!
It’s like this, only sexier.
6. Use “your electric toothbrush” or “your iPhone [when your vibrator is out of batteries].
Sloane Steel Suggestion: Want to really add a spark to your relationship? Draw your man a relaxing bath filled with essential oils to soften his skin. Rub his shoulders to relax his tense muscles and help him unwind. Put two cucumber slices on his eyes and tell him to get ready for an electrifying experience. Plug your hairdryer into the nearest outlet, turn it on high heat and drop it into the tub. Watch your man sizzle with excitement!
I had to make this GIF myself. I feel like Addams Family Values is not utilized enough as reference in popular culture.
7. As you’re going down on him, shake your head from side to side, letting your tongue follow the same pattern on the extra sensitive underside of his penis.
Sloane Steel Suggestion: Ready to amp up the sexiness? Try role-playing! Pretend you’re having a grand mal seizure while sucking your man’s penis. While shaking your head side to side begin convulsing the rest of your body. Quickly slip an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth and watch your man blast off when he sees you foaming at the mouth. Advanced tip: pretend your man’s penis is a bite guard.
Or play one person tug-of-war.
8. Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.
Sloane Steel Suggestion: Take out a flashlight and turn it on under your face like you’re about to tell a ghost story. Tell your man one of the ice cream flavors is poisoned. Keep his cell phone out of reach and laugh maniacally. Guys love it when you take control!
Hahaha! I only poisoned you because I love you and want you to be with me forever!
9. Take him in your mouth and then swirl your tongue around like a pencil sharpener.
Sloane Steel Suggestion: Or better yet, buy an extra large pencil sharpener and stick your man’s penis into the opening. Twirl slowly! Heavy pressure will shave off too much and break the lead! Enjoy watching your man writhe around in a state of total ecstasy!
I feel like men have put their penis in weirder things.
10. Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.
Sloane Steel Suggestion: Guys love a girl that can cook. Whip out your spit jar and a tablespoon and show him you’re not afraid to make his favorite recipe! Keep this mixture in a jar next to your bed at all times. Make sure you label your homemade lube. You don’t want to confuse it with your jar of tears!
What a waste of good spit.
Any of these tips are sure to make your man explode with excitement. Try them all at once or mix and match to create a sexual experience he’ll never forget. Let me know how these tips worked for you! Make sure to follow me on Twitter @SloaneSteel for even more hot sex tips!by