In last week’s How-to “Make Your Girlfriend Purr Like a Kitten” Part 1 we learned that your girlfriend is almost always faking her orgasms. And by almost always I mean 100% of the time. Sorry if that was totally emasculating to hear, but here’s the good news—this problem is totally fixable.
In order for you to become the Prime Minister of Pussies you’re going to have to unlearn everything you’ve ever learned about pleasing a woman. Right now you’re Tommy Lee Jones at the end of Men in Black and I’m Will Smith.
Hello and welcome to the Steel School of Pussy Prowess. Are you ready to learn some toe curling, bed-wetting, and pleasure producing techniques today? Wonderful, please, take a seat. Now, let’s begin at the beginning. In order to master the pussy you must first learn about the pussy. It’s a delicate, intricate, and responsive machine. Like a nice sports car you have to treat the vagina with respect and patience and frequent cleanings and waxes. You wouldn’t shove a car from 1st gear to 2nd without reaching 3000 RPMs just as you can’t shove your finger inside a vagina without a pre-finger bang warm up. Women, like cars, are prone to stall out if you try to do too much too soon.
Before we learn techniques, let’s go back to basics. Remember anatomy class? Of course you don’t, so here’s a refresher course. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a vagina:
Illustration by me. Vagina model also by me.
There are ten parts of the vagina that are of interest to us today. They are, in no particular order:
1) Prepuce of clitoris
2) Glans of clitoris
5) Posterior fourchet
6) Vaginal entrance
7) Labia Minora
8) Labia Majora
10) Mons pubis
These areas are where we will focus our attention once confronted with a real life vagina. Most men make the mistake of focusing all their attention on area 2 and area 6 and neglecting all the other special parts of the beautiful landscape that is the pussy. Why do men make this mistake? When did all men get together and say, ‘”hey, you know what women like? They like it when you hit their clit like Ken Jennings high on meth jamming the buzzer during “Jeopardy!” Power Players Week”? Let me let you in on a little secret: WE DO NOT LIKE THIS.
Instead of zeroing in our clit like a drone on a mission to destroy an Iraqi elementary school, take a step back and take it all in. Ask your girl to spread her legs wide. Look at the folds and glistening peaks and valleys that make up a vagina. Now get closer. Get your nose up close to it. Breathe in that sweet aroma. Now, take one finger and wet it. You’re going to need to wet it with that spit that comes from deep within your throat. The weird, extra slimy spit. God’s lube. Take that one finger and slowly, I mean really slowly, rub that extra wet finger in a downward motion from the base of the clit down the vestibule (that’s part 3 on the diagram). Chances are your lady has never had that area of her vagina lavished with attention before. It’s an amazing spot to stroke because it prepares the clit for stimulation and awakens all the nerves in the area.
After you’ve wet the vestibule it’s time to move on to the lips. Again, everything you do feels better when it’s wet. Lick your fingers again and rub the moisture on her labia majora and minora (parts 8 and 9). Grab both sets of lips between your fingers and squeeze. You’ll notice her clit trying to poke through. Slowly, squeeze and pull forward—lightly!—it will massage her clit without giving her direct stimulation.
Next, you want to take your thumb and push it lightly right above the prepuce of clitoris (part 1) and rub deeply and slowly into the mons pubis (part 10). This will stimulate the clit without direct contact. Everything you’re doing right now is preparing you to go ham on her itty bitty clitty when the time is right.
By now she should be wet and ready to get finger fucked super hard and fast so jam those fingers in and go wild! Just kidding. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES JACK HAMMER YOUR WOMAN’S VAGINA WITH YOUR FINGERS. Contrary to popular belief and continually perpetuated by my beloved BangBros videos, women do not enjoy being fingered hard and fast. Going too hard or fast can tear the posterior fourchet (part 5) and that’s not fun for anyone. Think about it this way: is there any time that you use your fingers in a crazy fast stabbing motion for anything? No, there’s not. When you’re inserting your fingers inside the vaginal entrance (part 6) you should treat it like you’re dipping your fingers into a jar of Nutella. Dip one finger in, press down, and make a slight bend in your fingertip. Now, ever so gently, run your finger on the side of the jar, slowly scoop out that moist, tasty hazelnut spread. Stick that finger in your mouth. Suck the chocolaty goodness off your finger. Go back for more. But this time, you dip two fingers into the jar. Move your fingers in a circle; you want every side of your finger covered in sweet, beautiful hazelnut heaven. Maybe go a little deeper? Really cover every inch of that jar with your fingers. Explore the cavernous depths of the jar of dessert topping. Move those fingers from side to side, back to front, up and down. Don’t miss one curve of that jar. Scoop out every last drop of sugary bliss.
You catch my drift. You would never jam your fingers into a jar of Nutella, so why would you jam your fingers into someone who is nice enough to let you play with their vagina?
Be kind, be courteous, be curious, and above all else, come back next week for Part 3 of How-To “Make Your Girlfriend Purr Like a Kitten” where we discuss how to lick your girlfriend into a state of orgasmic frenzy. On a side note, I really want some Nutella right now.
Don’t forget to add me on Twitter @SloaneSteel. I always update when I’m pooping.by
Where is Part 3??