Remember the last time you made a girl quiver and whimper with ecstatic delight while you lapped away at her pussy? Remember how she grabbed your hair and screamed, “More! Yes! That’s it! I’m cumming!” Remember how she gasped for air and told you how good you were at eating her pussy? Well, she was lying.
Before you say “Yeah fucking right…I made that bitch gush like a broken levee during Hurricane Katrina” just hear me out: you have never made a girl cum.
How do I know this? I’m a girl. A girl that enjoys marathon orgasms that are so intense and amazing that at the end I look like an Olympic decathlon qualifier. I can cum so hard that my eyes roll back into my head and I bite my tongue hard enough to draw blood. If you walked in on me during one of my more powerful orgasms you would immediately call emergency services because you would think I was having a grand mal seizure. There’s a reason the French call an orgasm “la petite mort” or, the little death. After a good rub sesh I look like an extra from 28 Days Later.
But my orgasms aren’t always like this. Those earth shattering black out feel-good fun time orgasms are rare. Like, planets aligning/total solar eclipse rare. In order for me, and most girls, to have these life changing orgasms the conditions have to be perfect. I have to have the right lighting (dim overhead lighting and a scented candle), the right location (in my bed, with my back against the headboard and three pillows), and the right partner (my Hitachi wand).
This is what I meant when I said you’ve never made a girl cum. Because when a girl cums, I mean really cums, it’s not a pretty sight. Well, at least not in the traditional soft moans and gentle whimpers way. A real orgasm makes you look like Linda Blair from The Exorcist. Most girls can only make themselves cum like that in private. Think about it: have you ever met a woman that doesn’t have flaws or bumps or weird moles/extraterrestrial nipples that they try to cover up with intricate arm positioning during fucky times? It’s not easy for a girl to be comfortable looking like a possessed demon beast from hell in front of her sexual partner. Which is why most women have “polite” orgasms.
What exactly is a polite orgasm? It’s the kind of orgasm a woman has when she’s having sex and she realizes that Real Housewives of New Jersey starts in seven minutes—it’s time to wrap things up. This is when we begin moaning, panting, whispering your name and twisting around in the sheets. It’s all an act.
Polite orgasms are the equivalent of taping a child’s drawing to a refrigerator. That kid’s crude stick figure drawing is a fucking mess but you feel bad that they tried so hard to make a beautiful piece of art so you hang it up regardless of how ugly it is. It’s the same concept as the polite orgasm. It’s only right to pretend to be having a crazy awesome orgasm if your partner has been sucking your clit for 10 minutes straight.
I know what you’re thinking right now: “Not all girls are like that. My girlfriend shakes and moans and wiggles around. She can’t fake that.” Really? Ok, shake your leg up and down right now. Now do it faster. Throw your head back. Lick your lips. Moan softly like a soft core Showtime porn actress. Now say “OMG! OMG! YES! YES! YESSSSSSS!” Congrats! You just faked an orgasm! Easier than you thought, right?
Honestly, I feel bad. I do. I’ve had a lot of men spend a lot of time between my legs and inside my vagina to no avail. The only time I can cum with a man is when I’m on top or on my stomach and rubbing my clit like I’m trying to start a campfire without a lighter. Ask most girls and they’ll tell you the same thing. It’s next to impossible to cum from penetration alone. In fact, sex doesn’t even feel good all the time. Girls require constant, steady rhythm to get into the orgasm zone. Don’t do that weird shallow hip thrust thing, and don’t change up the speed or depth at which you’re plowing into her. Slow, deep, and steady thrusts combined with a couple of fingers on her clit will help her along.
Ready for some good news? There are ways you can help your girlfriend have the orgasm of her dreams. And it doesn’t involve you handing her a vibrator and stepping out of the room. In the next few weeks I’ll teach you how to touch, suck, kiss, lick, caress, and talk your woman into a state of Nirvana that will make her cry. Don’t believe me? Come back next Thursday for my illustrated how-to guide “Make Your Woman Purr Like a Kitten”.
Until then, try not to get too butt hurt over your girlfriend’s incredible acting skills.
Also, don’t forget to add me on Twitter @SloaneSteel. I’ll be doling out tons of pussy advice for free!by