Medieval torture device or Japanese cock ring? I honestly don’t know.
The first time I ever saw a sex toy was in the movie Se7en. Remember that scene where the guy is forced to put a blade on his dick and have sex with the prostitute? I was probably 10 years old at the time and definitely not emotionally prepared to handle S&M strap-on murder. It would be years until I was comfortable enough with my psyche to purchase and use my own sex toys without the terribleSe7en flashbacks; even then I was just using a simple, non-threatening Pocket Rocket.
As a prank one birthday, my girlfriends got me a basket of sex toys which I promptly hid around my room, lest they be discovered by Esmeralda my housekeeper. I decided the best place to hide the glitter covered butt plug would be underneath my mattress. It was where I kept my journal, my pot, and used condoms (I think I meant to throw the condoms away in the outside trash but then got too high to remember to take them out from under the mattress.) After I left for college my mom decided to sell the house and packed up everything while I was away at school. Every few minutes she would call me asking if I wanted to toss or keep something she had found in my room. When my phone rang for the 30th time I picked up and screamed, “MOM, YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK ME IF I WANT TO SAVE A TACO BELL RECEIPT FROM 2004, JUST THROW IT IN THE FUCKING TRASH!” She said, “No, honey, I just wanted to know if you needed me to send you your pink butt plug and used, crusty condoms.”
My history with sex toys is obviously really fucking deranged and shameful. It got me thinking: what kinds of weird sex toys are out there in this world? What kind of crazy shit is coming out of Japan and into our vaginas and bungholes? I searched the Internet high and low (i.e. 10 minutes) to bring you the weirdest, wackiest, and scariest toys available.
5) Soft Pack, from Babeland.com $16.00 – $22.00
I don’t get this. It’s a soft dick…that you stick down your pants…to look like you have a soft penis…what? The reviews of this product are magical and I suggest you read every single one of them. My favorite reviewer describes the fake penis as “squishy…like…Nickelodeon Gak..”
Personally, I prefer my fake, flaccid penis to feel like Nickelodeon Floam.
4) Huge Horse Dildo, from BIGGERHARDERFASTER.com, $109.95 marked down from $130.95
No. NOOOO. Why? Why are you buying this? Why are you using this? How are you using this? This is 18.5 inches of horse penis. Why is this something that needs to be available for purchase? How was this made? Did someone have to get a horse hard and then cast its penis in a plaster mold? What kind of person is having sex with this? Are other horses buying this? What kind of sick fuck needs 6 lbs. of horse dick? This product is a rip off anyway. It’s 18.5 inches but its insertable length is only 17.5 inches. Is there someone out there thinking: “What is this, amateur hour? I need at least 18 inches of horse cock to be satisfied.”
The worst part about this toy is that it’s sold out. Seriously. SOLD OUT.
3) Cup Nude, $8.00
Cup Nude is one of the weirdest concepts on this list. It’s supposed to look like Cup Noodles except when you peel back the lid you don’t find dehydrated carrots and MSG, you find a vaguely vaginal looking hole. Who is the person that invented this product? Some Japanese guy was sitting around his apartment one day with 398.48 Yen in his bank account (that’s $4.00 USD, thanks Google Converter!) and was forced to eat Cup Noodles for the 38th day in a row. As he finished his Cup Noodle he looked into the empty Styrofoam cup and thought, “You know what would be great? If I could stick my dick in here!” He probably stayed up all night fucking a Styrofoam cup, watching Sailor Moon, and coming up with the perfect name for his product. “Fuck-a-Cup? Cum Cup? No! I’ve got it! Cup Nude! It’s like Cup Noodles but more naked!” And the worst part is some fucking crazy ass Japanese businessman with a briefcase full of white cotton panties was like, “YES. LET’S MAKE THIS RIGHT NOW.” Japan, please, this kind of shit has to stop.
What does “Gently Acid Lotion” flavor even mean Japan? Seriously, guys, you have to stop.
2) The Unicorn Head, from BIGGERHARDERFASTER.com, $250.00
BIGGERHARDERFASTER.com never met an equine sex toy they didn’t like. They have an entire section of their site devoted to horse sex and horse sex toys. I just feel like this is a really slippery slope for humanity. It’s only 2013 and we are making and selling unicorn horse head sex toys. Where will we be by 2050? What kind of sex toys will we be making by then? Oh my God, imagine Japanese sex toys in the year 2050. They will have a device that turns women inside out so you can cum in their lower intestine. Anyways, back to the Unicorn Head with a dildo horn. Like, just don’t buy this. What kind of person are you if you buy this? Where are you keeping this in your home? You can’t have people over to your house if you have this. BIGGERHARDERFASTER.com says, “when not in use, it makes a lovely mantle piece.”
“I put it on my mantle and it really is a great conversation piece!” – Ed Gein
1) Bladder Vee-String Vagina Prosthesis, from Stockroom.com, $215.00
Whenever I see something like this (I work in a porn office so I see a lot of stuff like this) I think about the person making this kind of product. Presumably, this prosthetic vagina started off as a sketch in a notepad, and then became a prototype, and then was taken around to different investors where the vagina maker had to ask for funding. Finally someone said, “You know, this is a great idea. It’s a fake vagina with some string glued to it? I love it. Let’s get moving on this. We don’t want the fake-vagina-with-barbershop-floor-clippings-pasted-on-it market to get oversaturated before we get our Vee-String out there!” What makes this Vee-String even more special is the attached bladder pouch. You insert your penis into a small hole and then pee through the vagina for a realistic female urination experience. You can also choose from seven different hair colors and two different hairstyles because variety is the spice of life!
“I put it on my mantle and it really is a great conversation piece!” – Buffalo Bill
Are there some truly horrifying sex toys that I missed? Let me know in the comments section or tell me on Twitter @SloaneSteel!by