I LOVE YOU YOU GODDAMN SACK OF HORSE SHIT. Please take me back?
Have you ever imbibed an entire magnum bottle of Yellowtail Shiraz and then left voicemails for all your ex-boyfriends at 3 a.m.? Voicemails where you apologize for everything bad that happened between the two of you? Voicemails that start off friendly and then veer off the rails straight into crazy town? Voicemails where you start hysterically crying while begging your boyfriend from 14 years ago to take your back because you’re pretty sure he’s the one that got away and who cares that he went to prison for armed robbery? We’ve all been there. There’s nothing sexier to an ex-lover than waking up on a Sunday morning in bed with their new significant other and discovering a voicemail from a unknown number. Oh wait, you thought they saved your number? That’s so cute!
Your ex rolls over to kiss his new lover and says, “Before I make incredible morning love to you I need to check this message, it’s fourteen minutes long.” They play the message on speakerphone and there you are, slobbering into the phone crying about Edible Arrangements and juice cleanses and telling your ex how much your love them. It’s ok, we’ve all been there. Some of us have been there multiple times. Some of us have been there multiple times last week. Just know in your heart that no matter how pathetic, lonely, and psychotic you seem, nothing can ever top the voicemail that was left on my best friend’s voicemail.
The following is 100% real, unscripted, and totally incredible. The only thing that could make this voicemail better is if they get back together and I play this while she walks down the aisle at their wedding. Check it out:by